You need to provide two (2) references in order to apply for this position, it says. One of them academic, the other professional. I haven’t been at university for, oh, seven months now, so my clinical tutor probably doesn’t remember me… but the professional reference shouldn’t be a problem.

“Hey,” I say to an old workmate over facebook, “I need to check the address of that restaurant we both used to work at, which I don’t actually want to name on the internet.”

“Do you mean the place where part of the job description was to take it in turns to stand outside in the freezing Northern rain to hold a sign directing people to the restaurant that had ostensibly hired us as waiters?”

“The very same.”

“Yeah, that place doesn’t exist any more.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Well, fuck, indeed.”

I don’t know if this counts as one of the four-things-a-week I have to do in order to qualify for Jobseeker’s Allowance, but I wrote down I need to find a new professional reference in any case. Job done.

And then it hits me — I’ve listed myself as ‘self-employed’ as a freelance writer, which is technically true, and since we’re being technical about it, surely I can just list myself as a professional reference.

So in case you need a reference for James Drew, here it is:

Jamie Drew? Wow, where do I even begin?

He set up this whole enterprise, you know. A professional man in a very loose sense of the word. Maybe progressive is a better one. He acknowledges his deadlines in a very zen kind of way, in that his assignments are never handed in late. Nor do they appear early. They arrive, and that’s enough for him. Since Jamie’s arrival, stress in the workplace is at an all-time low.

During his time with me, who is himself, Jamie has proven that he can work in a large team of multi-disciplinary professionals, including his brain, his ass (which is genereally ordered to stay in the chair until these 500 words are done), his leathered fingertips, and whatever organ processes all that terrible coffee.

By which I mean, the coffee itself is terrible, not Jamie’s skill at making it. He prepares it excellently, with a lover’s eye for detail: Jamie tries to find the endearing qualities in the terrible coffee, even if its only endearing quality is that it was expensive, and the company (Jamie) can’t afford any more right now. This is exactly the kind of attitude he brings to the workplace. Treat him however you like; he knows he’s got no choice in the matter.

Subservience, that’s what you want from an employee, and Jamie Drew has it in spades. In summary, you should give him money at regular intervals over the next however long his attention span lasts.

Follow-up questions on the matter should be directed to my assistant, who is – in the interests of full disclosure – also me. He will make sure I get the message. I run a tight ship.

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  1. davidwduffy said: Hahaha, awesome!
  2. xx-machine said: You sold me. Just sayin’
  3. jamiedrew posted this